By Tanya Kawan
When you walk into a room full of people, do you want to make yourself small and not be noticed? For many years, I felt that way. I was afraid that people would come up to me and think I was insignificant or had nothing to do there.
When I was with a group, I didn’t dare say anything. I prayed that they wouldn’t talk to me. If they asked me something, I would answer quickly to shift attention to another person so they wouldn’t see me.
All aspects of my life reflected my low self-esteem. I did not feel capable; therefore, I did not aspire to much. I felt so rejected that I did not seek to make friends and lived in a depression without knowing it. Little did I know then that my inner child was terrified, hurt, deeply sad, angry, and full of fear because of the abuse I had suffered in my childhood.
People said I was like that because I was timid, but in reality, great insecurity invaded me.
I didn’t realize this until years later. I saw myself, in those moments, as a weak, fearful person with nothing to say and no right to be happy. But why could others have a good time? I judged myself negatively.
I pushed away anyone who came near me. I did not know how to accept compliments and was isolating myself systematically.
Over time I needed more and more company, to the point that I brought negative people into my life who deceived and betrayed me. I created a vicious cycle in which I distanced myself from people because I felt terrible and alone. This behavior made me sick and had a very negative effect on all aspects of my life.
Fortunately, I had already been practicing yoga for some years. This practice kept the connection with my inner being open. I listened dimly to my inner voice but didn’t stop feeling it. It was like the other side of the rope thrown at you to save your life—a rope to which you cling with all your being.
It is a fact that in life, we are never totally alone, not even in the darkest moments. There is always a refuge for us, an inner place where we can find the answers to reach the other side of the road victorious.
My journey of self-discovery and healing began this way, and I’m passionate about teaching others how to access their inner being to heal.
One day, while on a college trip abroad, the behavior that had followed me throughout adolescence came to mind. I remembered how I was in high school at recess, watching different groups of classmates laugh and play games that demonstrated their attraction to each other.
Wanting to go to those groups, I felt a tremor in my stomach that went up to my throat. I was about to approach some colleagues who were misfits. Once I was one step away from them, I preferred to continue and sit alone. Inside me was a desire to cry, but it was not the place or the moment, so I once again repressed what I wanted to do. I knew I had to do something to free myself from that oppression, but I didn’t know what.
At that moment, the feeling happened in a distant country with people very different from me. I decided to summon up the strength even though I didn’t know if I could break the pattern. I will not go into details about how I did it because that requires time and another type of space, but I can tell you that I achieved it in an incipient way.
Although it was an apparent reaction to free myself, it was only the first rung of the ladder that would take me to the place where I am now, where I have this feeling of fullness and the desire to share a path of success to get out of depression.
We have a lot to discuss. In the meantime, I lovingly share this video in which I teach you an effortless meditation technique. You will learn to focus your mind and be present through your breath. You will be able to connect with yourself. Practice this meditation daily, and you will feel more relaxed, calmer, and connected to your more profound wisdom. You can gradually increase the time for more significant effects.
I hope you enjoy it. Much love to you.
Tanya Kawan
shaktany@gmail.com
